depression...its whats for breakfast

I know I wrote a bit about this before, but its a topic that deserves to stand alone...and I wish it would stand alone - somewhere else. However, this is not to be, and thus, it is what it is.

Depression is an evil taskmaster. It overcomes your life and lives in your skin and dominates your entire being. It is a living breathing entity scarier than any evil ole Mr King could ever write about. Medicine works, but not always, and this is where I am.

I wake up several times during the night...maybe I get up, maybe I just lie there waiting for sleep to grab me in its clutches again. I worry about anything and everything. My foot jiggles with nervous energy and my mind is in turmoil. Sometime around 4 or so I am awake for good...lying there with a dark feeling of foreboding...like something dreadful is about to happen even though I know it isn't. I dread getting up, but I dread lying there, so I wait it out until 5 and then the alarm goes off. In some ways this is a sweet relief, in others, I would love to stay in bed for the rest of the day. However, I have a job and must get up.

I get up and as I turn on the lights, the fearfulness subsides and the brightness helps chase away the goblins that have taken up residence in my mind. I get ready for work and then I wait to leave. I sit there and run through every scenario that would allow me to stay home. I have too strong a work ethic to call in so this is a meaningless task, but still, I do it. The time comes to leave and again, the feeling of dread is upon me. Its not that I don't like my job, its not that I don't adore my co-workers...its just that i have to go and I don't want to leave the safety of my home. But I do. And again I'm plunged into the darkness of early morning...which does nothing to help my frame of mind.

I get to work and plaster a smile on my face...I go about my tasks and hang out with my buddies and the busier I am, the better I feel. Of course everything I do feels like swimming through thick mud...its almost impossible but I push myself to do my job. There are small rewards throughout the day...time spent with our precious volunteers, laughs with Randy and STacy and others, small victories yet they keep me going. Time passes and finally its 4pm. Time to go. I am relieved to be leaving but as soon as I start my car I realize I don't really want to go home either.

At home are all the reminders of my depression. The inability to do even the most simple tasks...to vacuum or dust or do the dishes or change the cat box or answer the phone just seems like I am trying to conquer Everest with no legs...seemingly impossible. I get home and do a little here and a little there...taking a shower is no mean feat...and I get my clothes together for the next day and then sit and dread the next day.

My mind is not filled with thoughts of suicide...or self harm. I am not at that point yet. I am, however, at the point where life just seems so overwhelming and I have no direction. I look at people who live life with pure childlike joy and embrace all it has to offer and I am envious that I can't even seem to do a load of laundry. I feel distant from God- which scares me even more and makes me sink deeper into the mire. I worry, even though I know it does no good. I think ahead to the future, when my children are gone and think how quickly time has passed me by. I ruminate over all my failures- as a wife, as a mother, as an employee, as a person in general and I dislike myself and who I have become.

Yes, I have meds and I am taking them...although I let one lapse for a few days and i think that is why I am in this current state. With all the meds working I am ok...even enjoying life...however, at this moment, that is not the case. So I sit and write, hoping that putting my thoughts down will allow my mind some ease...if its written down, then I don't have to keep going over it all in my mind...I can come back to my thoughts here later on. And I will pray.

I hope that anyone who has ever had to deal with depression finds relief in therapy or medicine. SOme people think that its a just mind over matter and it can be overcome with positive thoughts. Those people are entitled to their beliefs but I have to say thats not the way it works in KRisten's world. I am thankful for this disorder - it has made me very sensative to others and their needs...it has made me a better person in some ways as I can empathize with the best of 'em. And I am thankful that it is what it is...something treatable most of the time.

I will not, however, let it identify who I am. I am not depression...I will not wear it proudly on a t-shirt...I am a wife and mother and friend and child of the living God...who just happens to have a flaw. Tomorrow will be a better day- and the next and the next until my mindframe is back to where it should be. And I will then be able to live my life with childlike wonder and excitement over the little things until the monster rears its head again. At which point I will relive today and again, soldier on until I get to the good place. Today, depression is what's for breakfast...