when a balloon is not just a balloon...

I have been feeling really bad about myself lately. I have gained an unacceptable amount of weight- this has led me to extreme unhappiness which has led to excessive hair coloring which has led to excessive hair breakage which has led to hair much shorter than I want which has led to me feeling bad about myself. I've come full circle on the feeling crappy wheel...not that looks are everything, but I used to be thin and look fairly good- and now...yeesh...its just not fabulous!

At any rate there are certain times in life when the focus is totally taken off me and put in a much better place. Take my hospice work for instance. I feel so amazing when I leave my patient on saturdays...and my daughter has decided to go to the nursing home where she lives and play the piano to entertain the residents. Now that makes me feel good and proud. Sometimes its the little things.

Today was another one of those days. I was at work in the FMC gift shop this morning feeling fat and listening to my thighs rub together when a customer came in. He was an ordinary looking man, mid 70's, dressed in a sweater and polo shirt and a pair of khakis. He asked if helium came with the balloons and my first thought was "no, we give you a flat balloon and you just have to hold it up in the air. duh"...but I stopped that thought and told the man of course it did and asked how I could help him further. He told me he wanted a balloon for his wifes 75th birthday which she was going to be spending in the hospital. I told him I hoped she was ok and would have a decent birthday- as decent as it could be in the hospital.

He got tears in his eyes and told me his story. His wife had come into the hospital over two months ago with a bleeding ulcer...they had to give her God only knows how many units of blood and she just hasn't really ever woken up. He said that she wouldn't even see the balloon, but felt maybe she might know its there and it may cheer her. He told me she is on the palliative floor now- where they just keep you comfortable and she will probably pass away without them ever exchanging words again. He said he loved her and told me how long they had been married.

Well, I was bound and determined to make this the most beautiful balloon the hospital had ever seen...he chose one and I deck it out with tons of ribbon and made it look as nice as possible. Then he asked how much he owed me.

How do you put a price on that? How can I tell him, "sir, this balloon that your wife will never see really only costs a pittance, but has worth beyond measure because once again, my soul has been touched by another person and my day won't be the same. Sir, this balloon is $3.25 plus tax, but its value is by far greater than that because of the love behind it, because your wife won't see it but you love her so very much that you need her to have it"...how do you say any of that?

So I just said, "don't worry about it sir. You just take that balloon to your wife and make it the best birthday you can, and may God bless you both". He thanked me and teared up again and took his cheery balloon on up to his wife. And I took out my wallet and paid for that balloon, because it was the only thing I could possibly do for that dear man.

I hear stories frequently that touch my heart, but I think that sweet precious man will stay with me for a long time. And ya know what, I didn't feel fat, I didn't feel ugly. I felt privilaged. I felt grateful. I felt love.

love is not gagging when I urp!

What is love? True love?? There are millions of flowery hallmark cards that say such beautiful and sappy things that just aren't me. I mean, they obviously have great sentiment or they wouldn't be a billion dollar industry, but lets get real for a minute, love is more than that. I would like to see a hallmark card that tells it the way it is.

Love is holding my hair back when I puke and not gagging.
Love is seeing me all evening in my pj's with wet hair slicked back and no make-up and still thinking I'm beautiful.
Love is an exclamation of awe at the "beautiful purple" placenta I have just delivered post baby.
Love is getting up at night and feeding the baby because even though I'm not working, I'm exhausted.
Love is going to Wal-mart for something I forgot after you've had a long day at work.
Love is helping to clean up kid puke, while gagging, while I clean up pukey kids.
Love is working hard and earning a living to keep our family going.
Love is dealing with my moods and still sticking around.
Love is eating hamburger helper when we're first married and saying I'm a good cook.
Love is kissing me goodnight and telling me you love me.
Love is supporting me in everything I do, even if I fail.
Love is telling me you think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world even though I know I'm not.
Love is accepting my penchant for picking up stray pets.
Love is not being too mad after I almost drove us off a mountain.
Love is mowing the lawn after a long day at work.
Love is cleaning up the kitchen and mopping so I don't have to.
Love is teasing me out of a bad mood.
Love is stopping the car in a dangerous place so I can get a fabulous pic or visit an abandoned home.
Love is letting me go and do my thing and knowing I will be back soon.
Love is not getting mad at me when I had my mid 30's mid-life crisis.
Love is accepting all the old junk I bring into the house that is a treasure to me.
Love is ducking and laughing when I throw a book at you out of anger.
Love is the way you spend time with the girls.
Love is watching Criminal Minds every night because I want to, even though you've seen them 300 times.
Love is telling me I look good in a bathing suit. Now thats true love, my friend.
Love is talking to the cats even though you don't particularly like cats.

Love is so many little things in daily life that we lose sight of. Its often the tiniest thing that means the most...
I love my husband for always being there for me, for always trying to understand me, for always supporting me and taking my side when things go south. I love him for all the above mentioned things and more. I couldn't ask for a better man...

the transitioning to death virgin

Ok- so these posts may be getting a bit dreary at times...I try to mix it up...but it is what it is. And what it is today is sad.

I have lost many relatives over the years...some fairly quickly, some to prolonged lengthy illness. I have also lost friends and aquaintences to tragic accidents over the years. Its always hard to lose someone you know. It leaves so many questions, so much you want to say, much you feel like you should have had left to do with them. Its hard. Even if you KNOW they are going to 'a better place', its still hard because there is a hole there. A gaping hole where that presence once was.

Today I have learned a new reality. I learned in hospice training that a person transitions into death. There are stages that the body goes through that signals that the time is near. They are pretty clear signals- mostly regarding breathing. The terminology makes it sound peaceful, and the job of hospice is to make it as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Today I learned my dear patient is transitioning. There will not be a going home for him.

I was expecting this day to come at some point with some person. I was totally prepared to suck it up and say "hey, it happens...I knew they were on limited time and its ok. Thank the Lord for Hospice". I'm not sure that my mind is really wrapping around it that easily today.

For one thing, I don't get to say goodbye. I know this is the time for the family to be together. If I did what I wanted to do I'd barge on in and lean over him and tell him how he touched my life in such a short time. But, that is not appropriate behavior, and they would look at me like a madwoman, I"m sure.

I also only get updates from my volunteer coordinator, I cannot call the nurse's station to find out how he is doing. Thats hard. I mean, I was in his home, we sat companionably and talked for hours, heck, he even offered me a beverage... :) ANd being the polite child my mother raised, I refused but thanked him.

Today I am sad for the loss of the man who lived such a full life...granted he is not gone yet and by some miracle of God he could regain consciousness and be sitting in his recliner waiting for my visit on Saturday, but I doubt it.

And so I am a "transitioning to death" virgin...I have not been here before, although I will be here again. They say the first time is the hardest. Well, thats where I am right now.

For a few minutes I pondered if I want to keep on doing this hospice thing- I mean, this is going to be the end result time and time again...but someone has to do it...and I WANT to. I am learning that there are some pretty amazing people out there who deserve to have someone pay attention to them in their final days- and I consider it a privilage and an honor to be that person.

I will always remember this man...his stories, his love of music, his amazing memory, his hospitality, his love of life and his love of laughter. And I will hate waiting to hear what happens...but as I've said, he's touched my life in such a short amount of time. He is truely a gem and I am better for knowing him.

reflection

Today I learned a hard lesson. Well, kinda hard, but still hopeful. My dear amusing hospice man has been put in the KBR house. His health was failing this morning. Now that doesn't mean he is going to die; it may just mean he needed a little extra care and will get to go back home. Apparently thats the way it is with hospice.

When i first started the volunteer work, it was real enough to me what I was going to experience, but it still was sort of a vague concept. You go visit someone who is sick and spend time with them. Hold their hand, read to them, talk to them. All easy enough. Of course there's the kicker that there is a 6 month or less frame of time you will have, but you put that in the back of your mind and just love on them.

This man has been so amazing to talk to- I don't even have to open my mouth, which for anyone who knows me is nothing short of a miracle in itself. At any rate, he has the best stories and the most history at 97 years of age...what a wealth of knowledge. He has LIVED his life and it is awe inspiring. I look forward to Saturdays with him and I've only known him a few weeks. I went to KBR to visit today- knowing full well he would be sleeping, I had planned an extra visit anyway so I thought I'd stop by and at least talk to the family and just see for myself how he was doing. And he was sleeping peacefully which was a blessing.

Now, when I talked with my volunteer coordinator earlier in the day and she gave me the heads up on what was going on, I was upset. Seriously, I'm not ready yet. He has to be ok. My next thought was, "can't you give me a fabulous old person who has lifetimes left to live" but that was a stupid thought- this is hospice...they are not going to make it at some point. And the vague concept became a crashing reality. My dear old man is going to die at some point. I can't stop it. I can't even pray that he'll get well and live forever- he's 97 for crying out loud.

And that gave me pause for thought...just what is it all about anyway? Hospice is a wonderful organization that is about life- not death. It is about making the most of the time one has left- not just making them comfortable, but enriching their lives as much as possible. That is why my position exists- to help make their time pass pleasantly and with the security of having someone there.

But it goes deeper for me than that, this thought train. I look around my home at my posessions- and I ask myself what is the point. Oh I love stuff, don't get me wrong. But the one who "dies with the most toys" doesn't win... they still die and none of what they've accumulated goes with them. Sure it makes life much more enjoyable, but its not about the stuff.

I've been blessed with a number of marvelous friends over the years...some of the relationships have faded into memories and some have withstood the test of time- and those are the ones I cherish. Relationships and loving other people is part of the big picture. God created us to be social beings- and we need each other.

But more than that, there is an eternity waiting for all of us out there...and the question is how will it be spent? I look forward to the day- though hopefully many years down the road- when I get to stand before God and Jesus and be told I am their child and they welcome me to Heaven. I know I need to spend more time with Them, not only praying but in the Word. That, to me, is what it is all about. Not the stuff, not looks or any physical thing that will fade away...but the joyous reunion there will be one day when I meet my heavenly Father.

And so its been a day of reflection for me. I still hate and am going to have to get used to the reality of the hospice thing...I would love it if my patient would live to a ripe old age of 140 and be able to spend many many years with me, but I know thats not reasonable, nor would he want that. Although it is me we're talking about- who wouldn't want 40+ more years with me? But I digress...today I will go on with my life, hug my kids a little tighter and appreciate my husband a little more. I will be thankful for the time i've been given with my new friend and I will pray for his comfort. And then I will probably get caught back up in the rat race that is life until I get knocked in the head again with life's hard facts. That is reality...and I'm ok with that. I wonder if they have dogs in heaven.

games people play

I love word games...crossword puzzles...correcting others English- anything challenging having to do with the English language is fun for me.

I also adore Stacy. She is a co-worker and FRIEND who keeps me on my toes and is always up to some sort of shennanigans!

This can be a deadly combination- but also an incredibly hilarious combination that will one day get us in trouble.

(and if I make any grammatical errors or spelling errors, I blame it solely on the computer, not user error!)

Stacy has a game she likes to play and has pulled me into its evil clutches. I don't think anyone we play with will ever read my blog so I feel secure posting it here- and I would like to invite you to play. It doesn't cost anything and its a great way to break up a boring meeting at any time.

Ok here goes- One day Stace and I are sitting getting ready for a vendor meeting and she says "act of congress and I like to do splits". Ok, the challenge is on. I have to find some way to fit those phrases into conversation with the vendor, very smoothly, in order to win points. Of course I cannot arouse suspicion or giggle when I do it.

The congressional act is easy- the vendor was talking about his recent heart surgery and how difficult it was to get the nurses to tell him anything regarding what was going on. Thus, "its like it took an act of congress, right???" was my response. BOOM- got one. The next was a bit harder as he was a handbag vendor and what in the world that had to do with splits was beyond me. I cannot remember how I did it but I did it and BOOM- another point. There was a third one, because apparently its done in threes but I cannot remember that one right now. (Now let me interject here that I cannot pass up a challenge. We were meeting with another vendor another day and she has become a friend- so we were explaining the game to her and we brought up the split thing. Stacy said to me, "I bet you can't even do a split". Well, what do you think??? I got up, hitched up my britches and did a split in the middle of the common area in which we were meeting. Needless to say I got applause from some people sitting on the couches across from us. I hadn't even noticed them there. Thanks Stacy. Yes, I would jump off a bridge and all that...)

Today we met with someone elsex someone important, and it was fairly simple- "massage, pedicure and haircut" she said. I managed to get all three in fairly quickly, altho unbeknownst to me my boss was also playing and he threw them out quite unceremoniously and not nearly as gracefully as I. He said, "WE could have a spa day with pedicures and massages and give haircuts". He got points for trying but you CANNOT throw the terms out that easily, nor can you do it in the same sentence. And then Stacy dropped the bomb...a FOURTH- yes, FOURTH word...no fair stacy- we were done with the game. But this one was particularly challenging as it was "plumber". Seriously??? Plumber??? WE are in a budget meeting and I have to figure out how to throw plumber into it??? We're a hospital gift shop...not a plumbing supply company. How in the Sam Hill am I supposed to do that? Time ticked away. I got several openings but started to giggle and just couldn't do it. Finally, I said "We need to find our target audience in order to plan the next event. For example, if it were plumbers, we would have to find the right pipe wrench in order for them to purchase". BOOM!!! Got it and without a giggle, and with a totally straight face. I could feel Stacy's shoulders shaking a bit as she was starting to giggle...but we made it through without a hitch.

Its not a disrespectful game if played correctly. We are not mocking anyone...just trying to throw in phrases or words. And it is quite the test of mental agility. And makes for hours of laughter after! Now she's telling me she has another game that involves Bingo- oh my- save me from Stacy!!! But ya'll have fun with this- I know I have. And if you have a fun one to share, please do...like I said, I am always up for a challenge!!!

braking on the blue ridge

Life is an adventure! Some people chalk things up to luck...some people knock on wood...I have learned over time that God has his hand in it all. Even when I screw up- which is certainly NOT often. Yeah, right!

Was reminiscing about a little trip Kerry and I took to the mountains on a foggy dreary cool day much like today. We were newly married and it being a Saturday, didn't have to work so I got the brilliant idea to go to the mountains. What in the world we would do there on a day you couldn't see your hand in front of your face is beyond me now, but it seemed like fun at the time. So, we set out. Now, being an independant female who must always be in control, I decided I would drive. Kerry is generally a good car rider who uses the passenger side brake infrequently, but he doesn't like to ride. For some reason, I make him nervous. Tee-hee!

We went up to the Blue Ridge Parkway, which is generally a beautiful drive- but on that day it might as well have been Silas Creek Parkway for all the beauty that could be seen- which was none. Nevertheless, we continued on our trek. The roads got quite curvy and I think my speed was making my new husband a tad nervous. His bad for teaching me to drive stick! He told me to slow down. I told him I had it under control. He requested that I slow down. I told him I had it under control. He demanded that I slow down and I informed him that if he said it again, I would pull over and he could drive if he thought he could do better. Of course that seemed like a stupid threat as it would get him exactly what he wanted in the first place but little did we know...

Again my dear husband told me to slow down, and so I made good on my promise. I pulled over- but not only did I pull over, I braked hard, on wet grass, on the side of a mountain in heavy fog and the car went sliding straight toward the edge. Fortunately the rain had been going on for several days so my tire sank in the dirt and built up a huge mound of mud around the tire. Apparently the only thing holding the car on the side of the mountain. When Kerry opened his door, it was to a steep drop- with no where to plant his size 10's. Oooooh, I knew I was in for it now. Not only did I almost kill my husband, but he was mad. He never gets mad- and when it actually does occur, it is a frightening phenomenon. It is like the lull before the storm. It is a very calm quiet with a look that turns me into a pathetic puddle.

I apologized profusely and even squeezed out a genuine tear or two- and my heart was in my throat--- that really was a scary moment- I mean, we were on the edge of a dropoff that would have meant sure death had we gone over. I looked at him and he looked at me and then the thought hit us- it was off season so a ranger probably wouldn't be along soon. It was off season so there probably would be little traffic. It was off season and we were probably stuck for a while, in the mist which, by the way, was wreaking havoc on my finely coiffed do.

Now this is when the super awesome God part comes in. (Of course the mud mound was a God thing too but - wait for it...). Along came a sweet old man in a caddy who stopped. He said, I have a rope, but I don't think my car will pull you out. WE debated for a second on what to do when a big pick-up with a good ole boy came along and said "I have my truck but no chain to pull you out". And a big grin broke out on my face. What were the odds??? A car with a rope, a truck with no rope- but together they could pull us out of this kristen made predicament... Thank you God! And after profuse thanks and some small talk we were on out way again...with Kerry at the wheel and me, a tad less cocky in the passenger seat. The rest of the day was uneventful. WE stopped at Little Switzerland and shopped a bit and went on home where all was safe and no one told anyone how to drive.

Its a really funny memory now- and a lesson in 1- how God manages to work all things for good in spite of us and 2- how I need to learn to calm my anger and 3- that its a really bad idea to brake on wet grass. See- three lessons learned in one day...I would love to say I don't have more stories like this, but I am a knee-jerk reaction kinda gal so of course there are more...and maybe next time you'll hear one.