depression...its whats for breakfast

I know I wrote a bit about this before, but its a topic that deserves to stand alone...and I wish it would stand alone - somewhere else. However, this is not to be, and thus, it is what it is.

Depression is an evil taskmaster. It overcomes your life and lives in your skin and dominates your entire being. It is a living breathing entity scarier than any evil ole Mr King could ever write about. Medicine works, but not always, and this is where I am.

I wake up several times during the night...maybe I get up, maybe I just lie there waiting for sleep to grab me in its clutches again. I worry about anything and everything. My foot jiggles with nervous energy and my mind is in turmoil. Sometime around 4 or so I am awake for good...lying there with a dark feeling of foreboding...like something dreadful is about to happen even though I know it isn't. I dread getting up, but I dread lying there, so I wait it out until 5 and then the alarm goes off. In some ways this is a sweet relief, in others, I would love to stay in bed for the rest of the day. However, I have a job and must get up.

I get up and as I turn on the lights, the fearfulness subsides and the brightness helps chase away the goblins that have taken up residence in my mind. I get ready for work and then I wait to leave. I sit there and run through every scenario that would allow me to stay home. I have too strong a work ethic to call in so this is a meaningless task, but still, I do it. The time comes to leave and again, the feeling of dread is upon me. Its not that I don't like my job, its not that I don't adore my co-workers...its just that i have to go and I don't want to leave the safety of my home. But I do. And again I'm plunged into the darkness of early morning...which does nothing to help my frame of mind.

I get to work and plaster a smile on my face...I go about my tasks and hang out with my buddies and the busier I am, the better I feel. Of course everything I do feels like swimming through thick mud...its almost impossible but I push myself to do my job. There are small rewards throughout the day...time spent with our precious volunteers, laughs with Randy and STacy and others, small victories yet they keep me going. Time passes and finally its 4pm. Time to go. I am relieved to be leaving but as soon as I start my car I realize I don't really want to go home either.

At home are all the reminders of my depression. The inability to do even the most simple tasks...to vacuum or dust or do the dishes or change the cat box or answer the phone just seems like I am trying to conquer Everest with no legs...seemingly impossible. I get home and do a little here and a little there...taking a shower is no mean feat...and I get my clothes together for the next day and then sit and dread the next day.

My mind is not filled with thoughts of suicide...or self harm. I am not at that point yet. I am, however, at the point where life just seems so overwhelming and I have no direction. I look at people who live life with pure childlike joy and embrace all it has to offer and I am envious that I can't even seem to do a load of laundry. I feel distant from God- which scares me even more and makes me sink deeper into the mire. I worry, even though I know it does no good. I think ahead to the future, when my children are gone and think how quickly time has passed me by. I ruminate over all my failures- as a wife, as a mother, as an employee, as a person in general and I dislike myself and who I have become.

Yes, I have meds and I am taking them...although I let one lapse for a few days and i think that is why I am in this current state. With all the meds working I am ok...even enjoying life...however, at this moment, that is not the case. So I sit and write, hoping that putting my thoughts down will allow my mind some ease...if its written down, then I don't have to keep going over it all in my mind...I can come back to my thoughts here later on. And I will pray.

I hope that anyone who has ever had to deal with depression finds relief in therapy or medicine. SOme people think that its a just mind over matter and it can be overcome with positive thoughts. Those people are entitled to their beliefs but I have to say thats not the way it works in KRisten's world. I am thankful for this disorder - it has made me very sensative to others and their needs...it has made me a better person in some ways as I can empathize with the best of 'em. And I am thankful that it is what it is...something treatable most of the time.

I will not, however, let it identify who I am. I am not depression...I will not wear it proudly on a t-shirt...I am a wife and mother and friend and child of the living God...who just happens to have a flaw. Tomorrow will be a better day- and the next and the next until my mindframe is back to where it should be. And I will then be able to live my life with childlike wonder and excitement over the little things until the monster rears its head again. At which point I will relive today and again, soldier on until I get to the good place. Today, depression is what's for breakfast...

my hospice visit

Nursing homes are one of the saddest places I've ever visited, but one of the most rewarding.

When I was young, my grandparents were in a nursing home and I remember visiting...the elderly lined up in their wheelchairs, some of them reaching out to us making gutteral noises that were quite scary. i remember the smells and the age of the people and I really hoped I would never have to go to another one again.

WEll, today I was there. Well, not there, but here in kernersville at a nursing home visiting my hospice patient. I walked in the front door and the residents were all sitting at tables ready for lunch. I looked around and for a second flashed back to my younger days and had a slight shudder. But then I threw back my shoulders and put on my big girl panties and decided to go ahead and get on with it.

I met my charge, and she was a wonderful precious person. She regretted that they couldn't feed me but I quickly assured her that the chicken and creamed corn looked delicious but I couldn't possibly eat anything. WE spent some time getting to know each other- along with her two roommates who really were a hoot! After lunch we went back to their room and she got in bed and asked me to stay a little longer. I'll admit conversation lagged at points- its difficult to spend 1 1/2 hours with someone you've never met before, who is dying and tired, without some silences. But it really was a great visit. I am so glad I was able to go.

Reflecting on the way home, I was saddened by all the poor souls in that dining room. There were so many little hunched over people with thinning hair and lessining abilities. I pondered how these were once young vibrant people with their lives ahead of them. Young brides, young mothers, young men with a gleam in their eye, people working to make it somewhere with nothing but possibilities ahead of them. How very sad to end life in this condition. But it warmed my heart to see how they took care of each other. How they would touch a hand or help with a bite of food. They are not something to fear, but dear people who need to be loved on.

One thing I love about hospice is they don't let people end it alone. They have volunteers who visit and make the people who are at the end of their life feel special and loved. I hope I helped do that today. Family cannot be there all the time. Its nice to have visitors when the family isn't around, so says Marie.

I had a great day today. I cannot wait to go back and spend more time getting to know her. And then the thought hit, she won't be around forever and that made me a little sad. I already have affection for her...what will I do when...but I pushed the thought aside. I will make the most of the time we have, learn what she has to teach me and love on her like there's no tomorrow. Cuz you just never know.

on aging

Speaking of the perils of aging, my mother told me the other day not to grow old. Now I don't thing she has a death wish for me, but I understand where she is coming from. The aches, the pains, the weight that doesn't fall off like it did in my twenties...disease and just the breakdown of the body...it can't possibly be all fun and games.

However, there are definate benefits to aging. I loved the Kathy Bates line in Fried Green Tomatoes "I'm older and I have more insurance" after she rams the car of the snotty young girl. Its true...age has its benefits!

I work with volunteers at Forsyth Medical Center and the ages range from 40's to late 90's...and its amazing to see what some of these elderly folks have achieved in their lives and how they just keep on truckin'. We have a 94 year old volunteer who doesn't miss a Friday and always wants to know what we have for her to do. And don't accidently say she's 93- she will quickly point out that extra year!!! She has slowed down a bit in the 3 years I've known her and she doesn't always feel well but she's still out there doin it. I want to be that lady!

The things time teaches are wonderful lessons. At 42,(oops, I'm only 41...geez, this is the bad part of aging...can't remember anything!) I am no longer the teen with bachne (the pimply back) or chimples (pimples on the chin) who is insecure about the way she looks and her personality...or whether she is even worthy of being. The things that were important then are no longer important now. If I could go back and have a do-over knowing what I know now I would be in such a different place.

I wouldn't have dated the people I dated- although I did end up with a wonderful husband so I guess I would have dated him. But the others, oy vey! What was I thinking except they showed interest and my ego needed that. THese days my ego stems from a different source. I have learned that I am God's child- and that in and of itself makes me worthy. I have learned that I can be still and quiet and not always have to have something to say to make people like me. I have learned that for the most part I can say what I think without the world coming to an end and it makes a difference...why put up with something that can be changed with simple conversation.

I would have made different friends- the good life long friends- not the fun party friends that come and go and leave no real lasting impression. I have several really close friends now and I am so very grateful for their friendship. I am learning how precious those relationships are and how i need to nurture them to keep them alive.

I would have made wise career choices instead of thinking I wasn't good enough to try for a certain position because I didn't have experience. I'm trying the new job thing now and even if I am not qualified, I apply anyway- I am trainable, and an attractive addition to any workplace.

Aging is about learning and growing...becoming something better than you were. Both of my parents have had health issues, and they have been such strong examples of grace under pressure. THey both did what I guess we all do...just motored on and made it through and made the best of what they had. I admire that. I want to grab life by the tail and make the most of every moment. Insecurity be darned!!!

I guess what I'm trying, not so gracefully, to say is that I enjoy the aging process. WIth every ache and pain I have, I know I have lived and earned that ache and pain. I don't know how long my lifespan will be- not to be morbid but we all have a designated time to go- but I hope to make the most of what i have learned with time and enjoy every day that God gives me. He is good...He wants the best for me...He has been kind enough to continue to give me life despite my mistakes. I know there is a plan. Its up to me to find that plan and live it.

I have become a hospice volunteer and haven't had much luck with it...one patient was never well enough for me to visit and the other two died...but I have a new one coming up next weekend and I can't wait to see what the knowledge of her years will teach me. God bless the aging...and I am thankful for the lessons they have to share. I can't wait.

Life is good. Is it perfect, no...but I can't wait to see what the years bring...God willing I will have many to enjoy.

Today, somewhere

Today, somewhere, a child is going to bed hungry. His parents are trying their hardest to make ends meet at dead end jobs and are barely scraping by. There is little food in the house and what they have, they have to make stretch. He won't complain. He knows that this is the way life is.

Today, somewhere, a woman has been beaten again by her husband. She has no where to go, and children to protect from his violent hand. She tried to leave before, but he always finds her, and the next time she may end up in the morgue. Who will take care of her children? She hates her life, but thinks, from her own experience growing up, that this is the way it is.

Today, somewhere, a parent mourns her child. She knew she was on drugs and tried to intervene, to no avail. The drugs were more powerful than her daughter and the lure was just too great. For her child, this was the way life was. And for the mother, this is the way life will now be, with an empty hole which was once filled with a freckle faced little girl.

Today, somewhere, a man is depressed, wondering what his wife will say when she finds out he has lost his job of 20 years. He is adrift in the world of unemployment, his wife and children dependent on his income. How will the bills be paid? Who is he without his career? How long will it take to find another job? And how will he face them, a failure. For him, this is his new life, its just how it is.

Today, somewhere, a woman lies on the couch, mired in depression, wondering how she can go on. The devils are riding her back and a sweet release lies in the bottles of pills beside her. Only she knows what it will do to her family. So she pulls the blanket up and rolls over, trying to keep the demons at bay, wishing death would just come, putting on a brave face when the family gets home. She is on meds, they are not working. For her, right now, this is the life she leads.

Today, somewhere, a man sits in prison. He knows he is guilty. It was the first time he had driven drunk and the people in the other car were his unwilling victims. His wife and children miss him. He feels grief and guilt and loathes himself for what he has done. And he relives the moment day after day. If only he had not...if only...but this is his reality now.

Today, right here, there but for the grace of God...I am thankful for so many things. I am thankful that God put me on this planet in the time He did,to the parents He did, in the location he did. Fortunate to be an American, fortunate to have been raised by Christian parents who instilled strong values in me (although my failures are legion), fortunate to have married a kind and loving man, fortunate to have made it through unemployment without hunger or no means to pay the bills, and fortunate to have two wonderful well behaved daughters who have given me little trouble over the years. I am thankful for medication to control depression...I am thankful that alcohol is not a problem for me.

Today, right now, I am sitting on the couch in a warm house, with my sleeping dog by my side, my husband across the room and my daughters safely in their rooms. Thinking of the "what could have been"s, I am reminded that I serve a loving and forgiving God who has protected me so many times when all I could see was what I wish was. I am learning to appreciate what is, and to be content in it. Today, somewhere, it could be me. I am glad it isn't.

On death and dying

Today my friend lost a dear friend to cancer. I met her friend one time at a party at her house. She welcomed me so graciously even though I had never met her before, it was like we were friends. You could tell she had a beautiful heart and she was a beautiful lady. She leaves behind a husband and small children and it breaks my heart to think of their loss. Although I only knew her for a minute, she touched my life through her hospitality, her warmth and the stories of her my friend shared.

Death is such a sad thing. A trite statement, but true. I recently watched a PBS documentary online called "Undertaking" which helps to dispel some of the fear associated with the process of dying. It had interviews with a couple who had a 2 year old who was dying, and an elderly lady who didn't have much time left here. It was done by a family owned and operated funeral home and took you through the process of death from the moment of release to the moment of burial. It was very sad but very informative and something worth watching. The families interviewed were very touching, and the sensativity and respect with which the funeral home handled the whole process was comforting.

I wonder what will happen when my time comes. Not to be morbid, but lets face it, it will happen to us all unless Jesus comes first. Will I be mourned. Will I have touched any lives? Will anyone be richer for having known me? I know this leaves me wide open for many jokes but I am serious...when I think of the people who have passed through my life, I have been touched by so many beautiful lives, there are so many people that have made such an impression on me. I hope that I have done the same for others.

In hospice training we are taught what to say, and definately what NOT to say when someone dies. And yet, words are so insufficient during this time. I am so sorry that my friend lost her friend. I am so sorry that there is death in the world. I hate that so many wonderful people have to suffer when so many others hurt so many people and coast through life with the most wonderful blessings falling on them. It just doesn't seem fair.

In sunday school, one of our teachers was talking about how God is our father, and how we should feel like as a child we can crawl up in His lap and let Him wrap His arms around us and give us comfort. I hope that the family and friends of this wonderful lady can find that comfort. That God will wrap His arms around them and let them be filled with peace...that He will cover them in His love, and the love of their friends and that time will be kind and lessen the pain.

Heaven has always been a bit scary to me...the concept of eternity is one I just cannot wrap my mind around. I remember as a child thinking for forever and ever and ever and just being terrified. I remember thinking what would we do in Heaven? And in my childishness, wondering if there would be time to play or would it just be all about worshipping Jesus like we were taught. As an adult, an eternity of worshipping God and His Son and singing praises in a new body that will feel no pain or sorrow seems like a pretty good deal. I can do without playing.

I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of the process. I think its a natural fear. I had a bout with pneumonia a couple of years ago and could not take a breath to save my life. AFter a call to 911 and an ambulance ride to the hospital barely being able to take in any air, I knew what it was to fear the process. Even though I was with people who were trained to take care of me, I felt no confidence or peace...I was terrified and felt alone. It was one of the scariest times of my life, and all I could do was pray that I would make it. I did, but it sure left an impression on me that life is fragile and people cannot always save us, no matter how knowledgeable they are.

I grieve for my friend. I grieve for all of those who have lost someone dear to them, or are in the process of losing someone. I pray that God will protect them and surround them with His angels, and give them comfort and peace. Death is not fair to the living. There is always a hole where the person was...always a place at the table that is empty, a space in the bed that is no longer warmed, an empty seat in the car, or on the couch... Time does ease the pain, but I don't think it ever takes it away entirely.

May God bless those who loved my friend's friend...and may they find their way through this time with God's grace and fond memories of a life well lived.

On Amy

Ok, so she's probably going to kill me for doing this but I don't care. I do what I do.

I have a friend. Ok, so I have quite a few, but today I want to write about on in particular.

Amy and I have been friends since our daughters were little girls...its been quite a while. We traveled together, laughed together, shared many things with each other and then lost touch- I'm close to perfect but this loss was my fault.

A few months ago we got back together and for me, it was like coming home again. I didn't realize how much I missed her.

Amy is who she is. She does not try to be anyone else. It is a wonderful sense of self-confidence requiring no pretense that is so refreshing to be around.

Amy is one of the few people who can make me laugh out loud simply with a sentence. She has a way with words that few people I've ever met do. She can drop into an perfect Southern accent as easily as a flasher drops his pants and does it with such panache. She can imitate people (not in a cruel way) and tell a story that puts you right there in the center of it. Its amazing. And she has just the right edge of sarcasm that is so amusing, yet not biting.

Amy also has a beautiful caring soul. She is sensative and loving and has such a huge heart it makes the Grinch's NEW heart seem two sizes too small. If you ever have a crisis or sorrow, you definately want her in your corner. Yet she has an inner strength that carries her through those tough times with grace.


She is feisty. 'Nuff said.

She is also dedicated when she makes a decision- like the exercise routine she has recently begun. I just feel good about aquiring workout clothes...she actually uses them!

My friend has been a rock for me in times I really needed it. She has had a laugh when it was necessary, a shoulder when I needed to lean, and support when I just needed someone to understand.

Simply stated, she is an amazing gal...she loves her husband and daughter wholeheartedly, she loves her family, and God. She has a zeal for life and an almost childlike excitement when life warrants it. She is an educator I would love to have had myself had our lifetimes been different. She is creative, responsible, hilarious, and all around who I would love to be more like.

I am proud to be her friend and cannot wait to see what the future holds. Its always a great time with her and I hope y'all get to meet her, or someone like her, some day.