what my hospice visit is like

Another gloomy Saturday and all I want to do is go back to bed after seeing Courtney off to carowinds at 7am. But duty calls.

I volunteered with Hospice last summer and have been working with the same patient for months. I adore her, but I'll be honest- when its gloomy outside and my hair refuses to do anything resembling normalcy, the last thing I feel like doing is getting dressed and heading out to the nursing home on my Saturday morning- when I could be going back to bed.

However, it is a commitment I have made and it is something I know I need to do. So instead of playing sick and hiding under the covers, I pull on my clothes, get in my car and head out.

Entering the nursing home is like entering another world. There are tables set up inside the entrance which seat four...some of them have one or two people at them. There are scattered patients in wheelchairs and a few on the couch watching the tv- though the birds they have are so loud its a wonder that they can hear the tv over the chirping and chatter. These people are beautiful people if you look closely- if you can see past the bent over bodies, the vacant eyes, the drooling lips, the damaged bodies. If you look them in the eye and say a cheery "good morning", life comes into those eyes and they very congenially wish you a good morning back...at least some of them do. Others I just pat a hand and wish them a good day and they stare in uncomprehension- but I can't help but feel that human touch connects with them somewhere.

After I make my way through the lobby and sign in, I head to my patient's room. She is usually lying on her bed, oxygen hooked up to her nose and ordinarily is dozing. Today I sat in "my" chair and watched her for a few minutes until she stirred. Her skin is so papery and has an almost waxy look, her body is thin and she looks rather weak...and it scares me a bit as I've never seen her look this "old" before...but she opens her eyes and greets me and my fears subside...she is still full of life.

She has a quick smile when she is amused...she answers questions as succintly as possible and sometimes conversation lulls, so we sit companionably until the next topic strikes one of us. It is not always comfortable...I'm not sure that anyone is completely comfortable with silence, but its ok...I am getting used to not feeling like every quiet moment must be filled.

We talk about families, her health, what she has been up to which is usually nothing, and I share about my kids activities and my life.

Today her roommate paid me a high compliment and it got us on the topic of Revelation- she said if you didn't know better you would think the author of Revelation must have been on lsd...that its a scary book and she is afraid of armageddon. Which led to conversation about salvation. It was interesting...I asked if she had asked Jesus into her life and she said yes she had...over and over again in case it didn't take. (which reminds me of when I was a child and thought the same thing). She quoted sins of the Bible such as sexual sin and dabauchery and some other big words... which led to discussion of how once Christ is in your heart, your sins- future, present and past- are all forgiven. She was quick to point out to me that she was not involved in sexual sin. I appreciated that divulgence.

After I gave her a pen as she had lost hers- you would have thought I gave her a gold bar or a sparkling diamond she was so happy to have that pen- I turned my attention back to my patient.

We sat for a while and chatted a bit and her eyes kept closing so I knew it was time to go. I took her hand in mine and prayed with her...it was a very precious and filling moment...it was a chance to commune with her and God at the same time and it is one of my favorite parts of the visit. Then I told her to take a nap before lunch and that I would be back next week.

I got up to leave and her roommate thanked me again for the pen- I think I will buy her a package of pens before I return next week- and I walked back out through the lobby. I passed the same lady I saw on the way in- a very lovely older lady with smooth cocoa skin and beautiful white hair and I chatted with her for a minute before I left.

On the way to my car I was so thankful I had put my selfish desire to stay at home aside and had gone on to what I knew would be a blessing. As I got in my car I found myself wishing I could turn around and go back, but I knew my patient needed her rest so I went on home...grateful for all that I have even though it is not much compared to what a lot of people have.

This has been on of  the best decisions I have ever made in my life. What a blessing she has been to my life...even when conversation lulls, even when I'm having a bad day and would rather be wallowing in my selfish misery, I cannot imagine a better way to spend my time.

I have heard several people say that they could never do it...that it would be too sad...that it would be too hard...that its a "wonderful thing" that I am doing. But I don't see it that way. Its not sad or hard, and as far as a wonderful thing- I don't view it as doing "a wonderful thing"- but merely spending time with someone who has lived a wonderfully full life, who is dying and who puts up with my inane conversation and who I have grown to love, and who deserves to have attention paid to her- to help give her life in her life. I almost feel selfish doing it as I end up feeling so full when I leave.

I know the day will come when my patient is no longer here- and I will miss her greatly, and her roommates and their quirkiness too! It will be a very hard moment for me, but I knew that was part of the hospice deal going in and so I am as prepared as I can be for that moment.

God is good. He has blessed me in so many ways in my life. And all the unimportant things fall away when I get the privilage of doing something so wonderful as volunteering for them. And I am grateful and thankful that I have the precious patient I have.

So thats my visit...it was only an hour today but thats ok...we will have next week to catch up on the nothing she did all week and the stuff that makes up my life. And I look forward to it.

Of course, next Saturday will probably be another morning when I wake up and think "I really don't want to go anywhere this morning" but I will, and I will be better for doing it.

my kate my thoughts- a short post

I'm sitting in a quiet house reflecting on the past 17 years with my katy and wondering where in the world time went. You see, tonight is her junior prom and she was whisked away earlier this evening...kerry and courtney have gone out and I am alone with too much time staring me in the face.

There are so many memories flashing through my mind... I remember when I went into labor with her and went to the hospital- it was scary and exciting and one of the best moments of my life. She was born and they handed me this gooze covered alien looking creature and I realized at that moment I never had anything so precious in my posession before. I held her constantly, her sweaty little head tucked under my chin with her rump in the air breathing softly...I miss those moments.

Then she grew...she has always been a beautiful girl- but at 3 in her cinderella gown dancing with a katy sized elmo was one of the most beautiful memories I have of her...her innocence...her blonde hair swinging while she danced...her chubby little cheeks.

And she grew and started school...that was a toughie- watching those little legs try to climb up on the school bus...she was so little and the bus swallowed her up and took her to school- and away from me- and toward her future and it made me sad but proud.

And time marched on. We have had a wonderful time watching her grow into the beautiful young lady she has become...she's always been an old soul- she has impressed me with her though processes over time...she is awesome. And she is growing up.

I miss the little girl she was but I love the young lady she has become. We have had our bad moments, our sad moments, our giggly moments, our serious talks...we have shared so much over the years.

And yet, I always worry...have I done enough? Is she really prepared for life? Has the way we have raised her been full of mistakes or did we do a good job. Did I spend enough time with her or did I let life get in the way?

She is a strong girl...but there will always be someone prettier, someone with more stuff, someone smarter, someone more talented...I wish I could spare her the hurts that the future surely will bring to her but I can't.

I love my daughters. I pray for them. I am sure I could have done more with the time I've had with them but I cannot turn time back.

So I watch her get into a car with a boy on the way to the prom...praying for safety and a fun time...reliving the past...pondering the future...

Dear God please watch over my baby!

My belief and some thoughts

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading lately--- I am reading throught the New Testament of the Bible, and have been perusing several Christian books. I have also been examining my life, trying to see where I fall short and make some changes.

I am a Christian. I am unashamed to say that I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I believe the Bible to be infallible, though I do not understand all of it. I believe as it is written in the Bible that all scripture is God breathed, and even though men wrote the books, I believe God guided their hands to put His words to paper. I believe that God created the world, and has the power to destroy it. I believe that Jesus was born of a virgin and that he was crucified to pay the ulitmate sacrifice for our sins, died and rose again three days later and then ascended to Heaven to sit at the right hand of God. I believe He will come again to bring His church home to him. This is, in a nutshell, what I believe.

I also believe that everyone has the right to believe as they choose. God gave us this freedom of choice so that we could CHOOSE Him. He did not want to demand our love from us, but wants us to freely give it to Him. There are many other religions in the world- I do not believe in any of them, but I do believe that the people who practice them have the right to do so. I would not want someone of another faith to bash me over the head with their holy book and tell me I am wrong in what I believe and tell me I am going to be damned if I don't change my beliefs. I believe that as Christians we are called to share the Word, with love, and to show by our actions what Christ taught. I believe it is the job of the Holy Spirit to convict hearts and change lives.

I believe God called us to love our neighbors as ourselves. I believe that means everyone- as in people who don't believe as we do, who don't live as we do, who oppose us and our beliefs, who are engaged in sinful lives, who are rich or poor, pretty or not so much, dressed in rags or to the nines...the list goes on and on. We are all His creation- I believe- His children. There is no one man or woman who is better than any other. Their behavior may be better, but their inherent worth is not more.

I believe in freedom of speech- I believe that is one of the greatest freedoms our country has. And if we try to quell the voices of those with whom we don't agree, we stand the chance of having our voices silenced as well. Do we want to live in a country where we are not allowed by law to speak freely of our Christian faith? If we try to silence the others, that is exactly where we will end up. Not a pleasant thought.

I know of Christians who think it is a noble deed and an example of God's love to speak to a cashier of another race at the grocery store and wish them a good day. Granted any nice action is an example of God's love, but if that is as far as we go then I don't believe it is enough. In the Bible I believe it was Paul who encouraged Christians to fellowship with other Christians- it keeps us on a straight path and among people who will help us to do as we are supposed to. I totally agree with Christian fellowship...it does work- it does surround us with others of like minds and behaviors and tamps down the temptation to do what we know is wrong. However, if Christians only hang out with other Christians, how will the rest of the world ever know about Christianity? I believe we need to get in the trenches, if you will, among others who do not believe as we do...I'm not saying we need to hang out in bars, but what about befriending others who don't believe as we do. Or don't live their lives as we as Christians are supposed to. Or are of a different socio-economic class. Etc.

I am a sinner... I will be until the day I die. I cannot help it- I fall short on a daily basis...not on purpose but because I am human.

These are just some things that have been on my mind lately. I really think we need to step into the shoes of others before we become critical of who or what they are. We need to try to understand where others are coming from- to love them as Christ loved the world. He hung out with some of the most disreputable people of his day, and through his love and understanding and righteousness, changed lives.

I am a Christian and unashamed to say so.