My mother has recently, frequently told me not to get old- that its the pits. Now I don't think she is wishing me an early demise, but rather telling me that aging is not a fun or graceful process.
Today that reality was brought home to me in a forceful way. I was sitting with a friend on the porch of an assisted living facility, just chewing the fat and spending some time rocking. Out of nowhere, this seemingly content man started to share some angry thoughts with me. He told me he was tired of not having any freedom any more. He wished he could walk down the road to the bank, or the tobacco store. He was tired of everyone watching each step he took. He was tired of not being able to go home- where he would have some privacy to do whatever he wanted to do- where he could walk from room to room without the eyes of people following his movements. He wanted to be able to come and go and do what he wanted. He sheepishly grinned and said "What I want to do? I don't know. But I want to be able to do it".
We talked about it for a bit- I told him there was nothing I could do to help him- that I knew he was always an independent man and I knew it had to be hard to have people keep an eye on him all the time. I told him it was for his safety, and because people cared. But I knew that meant little to him. All he could see was the years previous, where he was a man with a life that was his own.
I told him I knew I would be in his shoes one day- and I was sorry his unhappiness. He asked me how I would be in his shoes, and I told him that either through age or illness, my life would not always be my own. There will probably come a time when I am under the care of someone else who dictates my movements and there are no longer actions taken on a whim.
I left him shortly there after- not until we lightened the mood and he got a hug and a kiss goodbye and a promise for a visit Wednesday- I had a great deal of difficulty leaving him there- I wanted to pack him away in my car and bring him home with me- to take him out to eat and give him a chance to get out and about - away from all the "old people" and around the world.
And in the car on the way home my mind was racing- which is par for the course these days. I fast forwarded to what my life would be like down the road- then to what my parents lives would be like in the next couple decades- I would never divulge age but my mother is not the 39 she claims- just an fyi- she would have had to have given birth to me while she herself was still a fetus- or not even that! :) sorry ma!!! :)
Then I started with the really deep introspection- and I realized I have already put myself in that nursing home- that facility with restraints- that world that doesn't allow me any freedom like my old friend...Only I have done this to myself. Gone are the days of flying by the seat of my pants- the days of doing on a whim- the days when I branch out and explore all the wonders of this amazing world God has created. I have entombed myself in a tiny tiny chamber I call my life...granted I can get in my car every day and go to work, or the store, or the mall, or see my family. I have a home filled with things I enjoy- pets that make me happy. I have two beautiful daughters and an amazing husband that I learn to appreciate more with every year that passes...but yet, I have allowed myself to succumb to a joyless existence that has robbed me of happiness and the freedom to enjoy life.
At 42, it is not too late to make changes. I realize I have the ability to get out of the trap I have allowed myself to think is my life- I don't have to stay mired in this place. I don't know how I allowed my mind to become so closed to life's possibilities- how I felt obliged to remain in certain circumstances and just suck it up and accept that this is how it has to be.
I have realized after talking to my friend, I don't want to be in his shoes now. I don't want to feel as though my life has been scripted for me- that I can only go from point a to point b and there is no sidetrack to q. Sometimes I think q could be a pretty amazingly fun place to be maybe.
So here I am, on the old blog again, sorting my thoughts, and making a promise- that I will make some changes. I will do it for my friend who cannot. Once again, I will find my way back to the relationship I want to have with my God- I will look for the beauty in every day- I will take a new route home from work, and then I will find a new place to work- I will quit getting bogged down in things I cannot change, I will change my circumstances, not let them change me. And in time, I will be carefree and happy again- that is the promise I make. I cannot wait to see what the future holds.
