the transitioning to death virgin

Ok- so these posts may be getting a bit dreary at times...I try to mix it up...but it is what it is. And what it is today is sad.

I have lost many relatives over the years...some fairly quickly, some to prolonged lengthy illness. I have also lost friends and aquaintences to tragic accidents over the years. Its always hard to lose someone you know. It leaves so many questions, so much you want to say, much you feel like you should have had left to do with them. Its hard. Even if you KNOW they are going to 'a better place', its still hard because there is a hole there. A gaping hole where that presence once was.

Today I have learned a new reality. I learned in hospice training that a person transitions into death. There are stages that the body goes through that signals that the time is near. They are pretty clear signals- mostly regarding breathing. The terminology makes it sound peaceful, and the job of hospice is to make it as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Today I learned my dear patient is transitioning. There will not be a going home for him.

I was expecting this day to come at some point with some person. I was totally prepared to suck it up and say "hey, it happens...I knew they were on limited time and its ok. Thank the Lord for Hospice". I'm not sure that my mind is really wrapping around it that easily today.

For one thing, I don't get to say goodbye. I know this is the time for the family to be together. If I did what I wanted to do I'd barge on in and lean over him and tell him how he touched my life in such a short time. But, that is not appropriate behavior, and they would look at me like a madwoman, I"m sure.

I also only get updates from my volunteer coordinator, I cannot call the nurse's station to find out how he is doing. Thats hard. I mean, I was in his home, we sat companionably and talked for hours, heck, he even offered me a beverage... :) ANd being the polite child my mother raised, I refused but thanked him.

Today I am sad for the loss of the man who lived such a full life...granted he is not gone yet and by some miracle of God he could regain consciousness and be sitting in his recliner waiting for my visit on Saturday, but I doubt it.

And so I am a "transitioning to death" virgin...I have not been here before, although I will be here again. They say the first time is the hardest. Well, thats where I am right now.

For a few minutes I pondered if I want to keep on doing this hospice thing- I mean, this is going to be the end result time and time again...but someone has to do it...and I WANT to. I am learning that there are some pretty amazing people out there who deserve to have someone pay attention to them in their final days- and I consider it a privilage and an honor to be that person.

I will always remember this man...his stories, his love of music, his amazing memory, his hospitality, his love of life and his love of laughter. And I will hate waiting to hear what happens...but as I've said, he's touched my life in such a short amount of time. He is truely a gem and I am better for knowing him.