bipolarity- its not for sissies!

I have this fabulous condition. It causes me to gain weight, to be up, to be down, to be very ocd over certain things- all of which make life very interesting- except for the weight gain. But thats another story.

I am bi-polar- or as I prefer, manic-depressive. I don't know which term has the worst connotation, but bi-polar doesn't sound nearly as interesting. The manic part reminds me of maniac which makes for an intriguing personality trait.

Being bi-polar has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember, but I wasn't diagnosed until after my second daughter was born. Nor was I medicated until a couple of years after that. Had I known when I was younger, my life choices would have been radically different-for instance my choice of dates in high school, or hairstyles for that matter...but thats neither here nor there.

Lets take a look at a day in the life of the man-dep (not short for man deprived, I am married after all) sufferer.

On a depressed day, I wake up. For me, thats quite a feat. I get up and dread my day. I get ready for work and dread my day. I get in my car to go to work and dread my day. All of this activity thus far has drained me and I could go back to bed and sleep for a month! Of course, if its not a work day, I sit on the couch. and then I sit on the couch. And just in case it didn't take, I sit on the couch. It takes all of my energy to get up and fix up and get dressed. This always makes me feel better, although again, it saps me of all my strength. The rest of the day is like trying to run through quick sand. Its a hard process that is exhausting and gets me nowhere. The thought of fixing a meal, cleaning the house, or even checking the mail is unthinkable. And forget talking to anyone. I will not answer the phone- I will not answer the door. I will not talk to anyone if I can help it. I become a hermit which just makes the depression worse. Its just like the commercials say it is...the lady lying on the couch with activity all around her, or the people who don't even pat the dog- that would me me. Sleep is the salve on this wound. I could sleep for an entire day, wake up, take a sleeping pill and head out to dreamland again for the rest of the night. On a depressed day that is.

Now lets visit a manic day. Ahhhh, my favorite day of all. I have actually asked my doctor not to treat that part of it because I am so productive. On a manic day I am up at 5 on a weekend. I get up and its go go go from there. Most of the time I have a goal in mind that I want to acomplish and I go at it with a zeal that an olympic athlete can only dream of. During one spell I painted several rooms of the house, did laundry, cleaned, cleaned out closets, fixed meals, mowed the lawn and kept going and going until midnight when I was spent. The next day I got up and went at it again. Other times the ocd kicks in and I get fixated on something that I just Have to Have! It usually involves some article of clothing that no store in the free world seems to carry...but I will go from store to store to store from city to city until the retailers are finally closed to find whatever this particular article is. I will run out a tank of gas and not eat the entire day on my quest for the unfindable. My mind also gets obsessive- thoughts keep pounding and pounding away- especailly during stressful times and those thoughts just play out over and over and over. THis cycle will continue for several days until I burn myself out and finally crash. See above paragraph.

Then I was medicated. I love drugs...the legal kind that make things balance for me. The only problem is they can cause weight gain which is next to impossible to lose unless you quit the drugs or exercise like a maniac and barely eat. To find the perfect drug balance is a delicate process and once you find it, you don't want to change it, weight gain or not.

I think the worst part of this disorder has been the toll its taken on my family. Thats the part that makes me sad. My children have wanted to do things like take walks around Salem Lake that I just didn't have the wherewithal to do. There has been a lot of lost time and opportunity. Bipolarity is not all fun and games. On a bad day I contemplate suicide- and the stressful part is figuring out how to do it so my family can still collect insurance money. Usually it involves my car. The drugs stop these thoughts. On a bad day I pick fights with my husband which usually end up with me storming out of the house and peeling a wheel out of the driveway worrying my children that I might just not come home. On a bad day it takes every ounce of willpower to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that all is well. And on a bad day, I just plain don't care about any of the above.

Ergo, the drugs. I don't like being labeled- and mental illness is definately a label with a negative stigma, although it is becoming more accepted, and more people are coming forward. It seems half the population is on drugs for something these days. The scary part is its genetic which means my daughters have the potential to deal with this ogre.

I am fortunate to be married to a man who is easy going and has put up with me for 18 years...although they've not all been great years for him. And God bless my kids for being such wonderful trouble free children.

My husband thinks I share too much sometimes, but this is a very real part of my life which I have to acknowledge every day. Its like a perma-boil on my butt and it won't go away, but it is manageable. I feel for anyone who has had to deal wtih this disorder and pray that they have found the relief I have.

It can be fun to be bipolar sometimes...inhibitions are definately lifted, or as my friend Tracy said, "my filter just ain't workin today"...I do and say things that I wouldn't ordinarily do or say which can make life quite interesting...like the time I flashed a friend at work not realizing the security cameras were on before the store opened, or all the times I've ventured into "no tresspassing" territory for a fabulous photo or find, or the sometimes off color but way funny things thoughts that come into my mind at times....which I will not share here. At any rate, I don't mind all aspects of the situation, but its not a walk in the park to say the least.

Bi-polarity is definately not for sissies...it takes a lot of strength to get help, and to deal with it on a daily basis. My life is good, I am happy and I have wonderful supportive friends and family who make it endurable. I love them all dearly and appreciate their love and understanding. Thats all for now.